There was always that nightly wish for good sleep and pleasant dreams.
As a child it seemed a forgone conclusion, a reluctant but necessary time.
Final good nights, head down, eyes closed, and simply fading away to distant and sometimes strange places.
We learned that they were called “dreams”.
Those journeys, sometimes magical, occasionally terrifying, mostly forgotten then and now.
But when the “bad dreams” occurred there was a reassurance that things were okay, not to worry,
it just sometimes happens………….to all of us.
There welcomed infrequency most likely tied to the naiveté and isolation of youth.
Being young, for those lucky enough, was about security, promise and hope.
Little reason for those scary dreams,
again, if you were lucky enough to have all of that in your life.
As an adult, those evening excursions have changed,
many fewer trips to magical places and special moments, past and future.
From other caring beings, still well intended wishes for good sleep and pleasant dreams, but that reality anything but a forgone conclusion.
In fact, that would become the exception.
There seems to be a difference now.
That security, promise, hope has been replaced with unsettledness, fear, and a diminishing of hope.
Perhaps that sentiment for a good nocturnal experience should be replaced with a warning to hold on and be prepared.
Now, life is all about chaos,
that is the norm,
the way things just are.
Short of returning to a cave, there is no escaping it………
we live and struggle in the chaos that you have created and those nightly excursions are the telltale signs.
How can you expect me to sleep well,
have pleasant and satisfying dream experiences when you tear at the fabric of my being everyday of my existence.
Where is the security to grab on to?
Where is the promise, the hope?
You have made a mess of things, reminding us in so many ways so often on any given day.
We shake our heads, stare in disbelief, throw our heads back and hands into the air over and over and over.
And somehow you expect that all this will be filtered out, suppressed, neutralized in an quiet way as our heads fall to the pillow.
We will just fade into never, never land on some grand adventure,
troubles aside, worries cast away.
Of course, that is assuming that you care in the least,
which is difficult to accept given who you are and what you do.
Maybe that is how it works for you, chaos creator.
In your denial, you can simply put what you have done aside and drift away.
When asked how you sleep, that is probably what you would tell us,
but that would only be a continuation of your denial.
You travel those dark and terrifying roads just like the rest of us,
but for some reason it does not make you stop and reconsider what you do.
I have seen you on those roads,
I am there far more often than you.
I have pictured and defined your chaos in more ways than I can count.
It has scared me to death, brought heaviness to my chest, awoken me suddenly to confront where I have just been.
Yes the snakes still appear from time to time,
too often I am in a familiar place but can not find my way home.
And the car that I keep losing, having no idea where it has been parked.
The anxiety from all of this, being lost, endangered, untethered, and confronted with a barrage of fear and trepidation………..chaos.
I have been in so many places, in so many situations where things are falling apart and disintegrating around me.
I feel it deeply in my brain, heart, and bones,
and realize that there is nothing I can do to stop it.
I am there to observe, be turned upside down by it, and drown in it.
Often, I try to intervene, to save the day, to make it go away.
But this is always to no avail,
it is simply overwhelming, becoming more about my survival than any reversal of the turmoil that surrounds me.
As I am at a loss in my waking hours to do anything about what you have done to us,
in this REM state, it is just about surviving the night.
And yes, like most of us, I probably forget most of what happens during those falls into darkness.
But I remember enough, too much in fact, waking knowing I have been shaken to my core, forced now to somehow regroup and start my day.
The saving realities of chores to do right out of bed,
the cleansing, refreshing feeling of that hot shower,
and the myriad of things that take over the space in my mind forcing you know what temporarily into deep and dark corners for storage or disposal.
But there is always the breakout with the same message, in new shapes and forms.
Chaos does not just go away regardless of what conscious level you occupy.
It is insidious and resistant to resolution as long as the underlying cause remains.
Hide yes, go dormant possibly, lay in waiting most likely……..but not disappear once it has established a foothold.
You who make those decisions, thrive on instability and disintegration, feed on fear and disruption, profit from the miseries of others,
have found that foothold.
You have created and endeared yourself to chaos with no interest in change.
We, who would choose another path are left to hear, read, visualize it every single day as you pat your back, count your money, and dream of your power and influence at the expense of so many others.
You dare to include yourself in the human community after all the pain and suffering you have caused.
You are not welcomed………how could you seek such inclusiveness.
Sadly, you are not going away and neither are my journeys into darkness.
I know who and what you are, what you are doing and it eats at my essence.
In my small world, this will continue to be my fate.
No the car will not be found, nor my home.
The anxiety and stress that I awaken to is not going anywhere.
I anticipate further terrifying experiences that just come out of nowhere.
Yes, my reservation to those ugly and feared places is most likely guaranteed.
But I understand them and try to resolve the source in my conscious life.
I know that they are tied to what I take in,
what I expose myself to.
I give to places where a difference can be made.
I live my life in a style to counteract you.
I pray for a reversal of what you have done and are now doing.
I firmly believe no god above will allow you to continue to destroy so much good and potential.
And I pray, that for you and your ilk, your days are truly numbered.
I wish you no good fortune or for that matter peaceful, restful sleep.
I want you to experience the effects of what you are and how you live your life.
I want you to be in my shoes for many more nights,
experiencing the painful continuation of those excursions as eye opening, heart pounding, traumatizing as they are.
I want you to walk that mile………as one might say.
I want you fallen to your knees in pleas for forgiveness,
as our backs turn and we walk away.